I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
