My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
