seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
