is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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