haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
