If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
