I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
