Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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