I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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