I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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