Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
