Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
