is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
