Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just found puke in my bra..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
