just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize