I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dear god my vagina.
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