I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry about my life...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
