my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize