I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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