Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
