I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
