Welp...herpes.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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