Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize