So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
