Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
