Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
