If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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