you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
