my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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