Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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