I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize