Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
