We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
