I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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