There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
