1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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