You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
