i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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