I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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