I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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