I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
