when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
