News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
