yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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