OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
