I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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