She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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