I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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