Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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