your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
