I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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