Just took my morning after pill in the library
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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