No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
