Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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