Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
