i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
