Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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