Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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