I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
