I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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