I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
