Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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