We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
