with your own penis?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
