If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
