I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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