You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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