I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
